What am I waiting for?
I’m jumping in, jumping off the ledge with both eyes closed.
There you have me, at this moment.
I found myself, months ago, at a loss, unidentifiable as a person. Sitting outside in the December sun, I realized that besides telling people what I did for a living, I could tell them nothing else. I realized that years had passed in which I had merely let my 9-to-5 “life” take over everything else that was once me. And even though the bitter, sharp cold wind of those December days may have some attribution, I felt, upon that realization, utterly empty.
I needed to teach myself how to think, for myself, again. Although my life up to that point had been defined and with a purpose (go to work, make money, purchase what is necessary, have some fun), I hadn’t had to think too much about me. Everything was pretty much planned out, and ironically, isn’t that how it is? You’re born, finish school (maybe pursue an MBA), get married, get the house, acquire some pets, have some kids, continue getting promotions, and then retire. Simple, isn’t it?
Yet somehow, in all that simplicity, I had willingly given up my own free will, the will to actually make of my life what I wanted it to be. And since I had given up that will, I now found myself blank, with no knowledge of what made me me.
I re-read all of my craft magazines, leafed through beauty magazines, watched cooking and travel shows, and plenty of PBS shows. I found myself connecting to college kids in the PBS show Road Nation, and as they traveled around the country interviewing people and asking the eternal question, what do I do next, I asked myself that too.
Slowly, as I inputted as much text and visual input into my brain as I could stand, ideas began to just pop in. And I began to get excited.
The ideas that began to pile in were all along the same line: creativity. So as I began to fill myself up again, erasing the feeling of blankness, I began to paint. Each day, I would produce another painting, seeing shapes and colors evolve. Slowly, I began to see that my brain, and my hands, remembered all my prior tinkering, and was pushing them out in each drawing. In what I thought was merely playing, I found my way back to my joys.
Yet even after I realized that creativity would become a dominant force in my everyday life, I was scared to give it life. And so weeks would pass in which I would simply continue being, without creativity.
And so I now find myself staring at a local street sign that bluntly states: “What are you waiting for?” So I’m jumping off the easily scripted life and into the path of confusingly being me. Isn’t it ironic how being someone else, following another’s footsteps, is the easier of the two, while truly being yourself, wacky and all, is the harder?
I have no idea or preconceived notion of where this journey to attaining creativity will go – can creativity be planned? But as I look at that street sign as I drive by, I do realize that all my excuses for waiting, for not doing, are all just words. Literally. Besides telling myself not to do it, what other excuse do I really have?
So I’m jumping in. While I have no excuses for remaining still, as a jumper, I need all the inspiration I can get. Along with my strong cups of morning coffee, I listen to my favorite podcast. Hopefully this short film will have you thinking about where you want your life to take you. Hopefully, you’ll start attaining your own creativity, in whatever form you desire.
